I’ve had odd energy ebbs today. It’s probably psychological, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real! As we got to church this morning, I was suddenly overwhelmed with fatigue. I’d been up maybe 90 minutes at that point after at least eight hours of (drug-free) sleep. So, I really shouldn’t have been tired, but I felt like I could fall asleep in the car for an hour. I dragged myself inside, though. It was great to see people, I think the idea of walking into a group of people and having to deal with them made me tired before I started.

I did pretty well most of the rest of the day. Saw my niece Katelyn today and sister-in-law Jenifer. Katelyn played in a volleyball tournament near us. So, we watched that for a while and hung out afterwards for a few hours. It was great to see them and I didn’t feel worn out at all. When we got home, I attacked the sticks in the yard — made a huge pile and burned some. Even got out the lopers and got at the weeds.

Then, I made dinner and hit bottom shortly after. Just wanted to crawl under the rug and sleep forever. Jan and Maureen showed up within the hour and I had to perk up, get the kid ready for bed and all that. Now, I’m totally overwhelmed. Of course, it’s after 11 p.m., so I should be tired. But I’m feeling emotional in a way I haven’t for several days. Something is catching up to me … I just can’t quite put my finger on it!

Maybe it’s the ordeal with Russ on top of my problems. Also, thinking, dwelling and wishing there were better treatment options than chemo and Tamoxifen. Wishing I didn’t have a disease that’s totally killing my dreams of being a mom again. I really never imagined having an only child. I can’t tell you how much it sucks to think it’s probably going to be that way. And please don’t tell me I need to concentrate on getting well or I will kick you. Maybe twice.

Russ is doing better — amazing, but true. This guy was knocking on heaven’s door three days ago. Yesterday, he was trying to cheer ME on, telling me to hang in there, be tough and fight this thing! He shaved, ate the liquid food he has been given and told us he “had to eat something to get his strength up.” Talked to Troy about some woodworking he wants to do this summer (even though the man barely had the strength right now to lift a spoon). For pete’s sake. He’s invincible. Word is that he’s getting downgraded to progressive care (from ICU) tomorrow or possibly even moved straight to a standard care floor!

Author: rosie

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