Troy moved out last night

Before I left for my weekend in the Smokies, I started becoming aware that Troy was cultivating relationships with other women. When this began to sink in, I realized this fact alone was going to tear me to pieces as soon as we became separated. The hurt that he wants to see other people (yet won’t make a complete break from our marriage) is intensely painful. The more I imagine him with others, the more jealous and hurt I become. I want his love and affection. He has mine without distractions by other men. It is making me physically ill.

Troy says I’m just mad because I’m controlling and can’t control him any longer. I know I have some control issues (don’t we all?), but I have worked on those in therapy and have come a long way. Cancer certainly triggers a lot of “loss of control” feelings and for someone who prefers to be in control, the journey through that illness was a complete education in accepting that we don’t really have control over anything. So, I disagree on Troy on this point. I’ve thought about it a lot and even worked with my therapist recently on the subject, since that’s Troy’s constant complaint of me recently. What I’ve discovered is that the pain I’m experiencing is not about loss of control. It’s about loss of love, loss of a dream, loss of a commitment.

When I got home, it was just a matter of minutes before Troy started receiving text messages from one of these women – sitting in his home with his wife, mother and daughter present. The horror of this – and the knowledge that he is cultivating other relationships while helping ours to disintegrate – made me go haywire. When he came to discuss our separation agreement, I was not cooperative. I even screamed at him at one point.

This is what I do not want to become again – the raging bitch who can’t control her emotions and who acts like a petulant brat when she is hurt, tossing out anger instead of talking of the real emotions of fear and pain.

Many people have told me that I deserve to get much angrier than I have been. I’m not so sure about that. I’m angry, certainly, but anger solves nothing. I’d like to solve this issue, as much as I am able. I am not able. Therefore, I have no control. Anger still won’t fix that. The only thing left to do is feel the hurt and pain. Covering it up with anger won’t make it go away. It will just make me bitter over time. I don’t know what it will do to allow myself to feel the hurt and pain, without anger. I’m kind of new to this.

I knew it was time to get us apart. I can’t continue to lose all of the ground I have gained in therapy. My husband does not see the person I have become or will not accept it (or both). The last few months seem to have been an exercise for him to see how far it would take before I broke down and reverted to old ways. I’m proud to say it took about 2 1/2 months of constant stress – beyond anything cancer had dished out for me – before I started reverting. (In Troy’s defense, he did ask for a separation starting in May, stating that he did not want to hurt me. I resisted at first, believing he was horribly depressed and needed the support of a stable home life. However, even after I told him I would not stand in his way, he still didn’t leave. I had to ask him to leave.)

I think that shows how strong I had been in May – how far I had come, what a much better person I am. I want to get back there. The stress I have been under is extraordinary – completely beyond what most people experience in years. So, the fact it took several months to break me down is good news. It tells me that I can survive the ordinary stress of living and be the person I want to be. I can even survive some extra stress that everyone goes through – illness or death of a loved one, for example – as soon as I can get my strength back. I doubt I will ever go through anything like this again. Once I am strong enough, I will be able to know my limits better and will stop exposing myself to such stress before it becomes too late – as in this case, I let it go a little too long for me.

Troy said last night that he thought he should leave and I agreed. We told Colleen and he talked to her for a long time. She cried a lot. So did Troy and I. She kept saying, “I just want us to be a family.” Troy explained to her he felt that by leaving he could become a better daddy. She said, “but you are the best, best, best daddy in the whole world!”

I can’t tell you how heartbroken I am. I feel really uncertain about myself. What does it say of me that I picked someone to love who wasn’t trustworthy? Who went for years not sharing his true emotions and I didn’t know what that meant? What does it say that I picked someone to have a child with who could leave?

I don’t say these things to be mean to Troy. Really, if I was trying to be mean, I would say a lot of different things. I just am sharing what is going through my head. I have no idea why I didn’t see this until Troy started freaking out in May. I have no idea why I never suspected him of cheating – trusting him completely. I still think very highly of him and believe he is a good person. So, how does a good person do these things? What did I do to make them happen? What should I have seen that I didn’t? How can I make sure this never happens to me again? How can I avoid growing bitter and avoid passing that bitterness on to my daughter?

I certainly do not consider myself blameless in all of this. And that makes every feeling worse. We had a very, very good thing together. We have tons of good memories, lots of laughs, lots of love. I want that back, but I am not sure it is going to happen. Troy seems to be telling me he doesn’t want it any more.

I can’t let myself think too much about the future because I suspect it’s going to be grim – at least for a few years. We will probably have to file bankruptcy, will sell or lose the house, and Colleen and I may have to move in with someone else, perhaps in Terre Haute. She’ll have to change schools and probably won’t be able to go to a private school because of the money. I know that all of these things are temporary and I would eventually rebuild our lives. However, it’s tremendously difficult to know that everything Troy and I have work for over the years is about to get flushed down the toilet. Both of us have put in a lot of work to make our home nice and to buy ourselves the necessary things in life. To have credit cards maxed because of my illness, our equity gone to pay medical bills and buy groceries when I couldn’t work – it’s disgusting to see it all drained away because I got sick.

I have to stop writing now. I have no way to wrap this up.

Author: rosie

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3 Comments

  1. Dear Rosie,

    “What does it say of me that I…”

    Please let me finish that sentence:

    “What does it say of me that I communicate my true self on the ysc board and that hundreds of women out in America love and adore me? What does it say of me that I can make them laugh outloud, I can shower them with love and support, and then make them laugh some more? What does it say of me that they think/know that I am a damn fine person, a damn fine friend, and a flippin’ wonderful human being?

    OH.

    It means I am a flippin’ wonderful human being. Who deserves to be flippin’ wonderfully happy.

    OK. I’ll go do that.”

    Love you Rosie. Deservedly so.

    -Wendy/Braveheart

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  2. Dear Rosie,
    You deserve so much more than this. You are an amazing person and the sooner you move on past this, even if it is without your selfish cheating husband.(that is the last mean thing I’ll say…and I know damn good and well that EVERYONE wants to say it) You are so loved by everyone around you and if there is anything you need, please call.

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