The worst pain ever
You know how you think sometimes, “things can’t get any worse.” Then it does. Then it does again. And again.
I really wish someone could tell me where the bottom is.
I’m trying to focus only on getting through each hour of the day, but I can’t tell you what an incredibly difficult task that is. I’m so tired, obviously from depression, that I shake frequently and can’t keep my eyes open. I fell asleep at intersections several times yesterday taking the kids to school. My mother-in-law was with me and tried hard to keep me awake.
I can’t imagine what I’ve done to deserve this, where I went so terribly wrong. I hate myself for bringing this pain into my daughter’s life.
I loved and trusted my husband completely, without condition. I thought that’s what people who loved each other did. I left myself open to be completely destroyed.
I don’t think I will ever love or trust another man again. I know everyone is going to jump on that and say, “oh, you will. This is just too raw” or something like that. But I really don’t see it happening in the wildest stretch of my imagination. I thought I had the love of my life. I thought I had everything I needed. I know I deserve to be treated better than this, but I doubt it is out there. Everyone who knows my husband is floored by his actions. Everyone was fooled. How can I ever trust myself again? How can I trust I’ve found someone worthy if I can’t even believe that people around me could see that a person might do this to me?
I don’t feel safe and neither does my daughter. She crawled in bed with me last night and slept next to me, fully clothed. We cuddled all night.
I’m trying to hang on for her. I know it’s wrong – I know I should be hanging in there for myself – but if it wasn’t for her, I would be done with this life. I know she needs me. I’m kind of worthless right now, but I want to be there for her.
The pain hits me like a punch to the gut at random times. I actually feel it in my abdomen – a sharp pain that travels straight to my heart and throat. I’ll be walking across a room and just double over, crying. I don’t even have control of this in front of my daughter. I don’t want her to see it, but I can’t stop. I can only tell her the truth – that I’m sad daddy is gone – and she tells me she is sad, too. I don’t want her to be constantly assaulted by my sadness and I’m trying so hard not to do this in front of her, but I can’t make it stop.
I don’t think I can have any more help than I have. I’ve had my mother-in-law or mom here since before he left. I have my therapist. I’m on an anti-depressant and have an anti-anxiety drug. I think I’m out of options. I think my only choice is to feel the pain. I just hope it goes away soon. I’ve never been through anything like this in my life. I truly would not wish this on my worst enemy.