The worst pain ever

You know how you think sometimes, “things can’t get any worse.” Then it does. Then it does again. And again.

I really wish someone could tell me where the bottom is.

I’m trying to focus only on getting through each hour of the day, but I can’t tell you what an incredibly difficult task that is. I’m so tired, obviously from depression, that I shake frequently and can’t keep my eyes open. I fell asleep at intersections several times yesterday taking the kids to school. My mother-in-law was with me and tried hard to keep me awake.

I can’t imagine what I’ve done to deserve this, where I went so terribly wrong. I hate myself for bringing this pain into my daughter’s life.

I loved and trusted my husband completely, without condition. I thought that’s what people who loved each other did. I left myself open to be completely destroyed.

I don’t think I will ever love or trust another man again. I know everyone is going to jump on that and say, “oh, you will. This is just too raw” or something like that. But I really don’t see it happening in the wildest stretch of my imagination. I thought I had the love of my life. I thought I had everything I needed. I know I deserve to be treated better than this, but I doubt it is out there. Everyone who knows my husband is floored by his actions. Everyone was fooled. How can I ever trust myself again? How can I trust I’ve found someone worthy if I can’t even believe that people around me could see that a person might do this to me?

I don’t feel safe and neither does my daughter. She crawled in bed with me last night and slept next to me, fully clothed. We cuddled all night.

I’m trying to hang on for her. I know it’s wrong – I know I should be hanging in there for myself – but if it wasn’t for her, I would be done with this life. I know she needs me. I’m kind of worthless right now, but I want to be there for her.

The pain hits me like a punch to the gut at random times. I actually feel it in my abdomen – a sharp pain that travels straight to my heart and throat. I’ll be walking across a room and just double over, crying. I don’t even have control of this in front of my daughter. I don’t want her to see it, but I can’t stop. I can only tell her the truth – that I’m sad daddy is gone – and she tells me she is sad, too. I don’t want her to be constantly assaulted by my sadness and I’m trying so hard not to do this in front of her, but I can’t make it stop.

I don’t think I can have any more help than I have. I’ve had my mother-in-law or mom here since before he left. I have my therapist. I’m on an anti-depressant and have an anti-anxiety drug. I think I’m out of options. I think my only choice is to feel the pain. I just hope it goes away soon. I’ve never been through anything like this in my life. I truly would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Author: rosie

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8 Comments

  1. I have been there.
    I know the pain.
    I have lived it and continue to live it.

    If you have to be there first for your daughter. DO IT! For you will come… I spent many mornings only getting up because my children needed me to get up not because I had a single desire to be up for myself.

    Breathe, continue to breathe, and find a support person or group to just vent with… someone that you don’t have to justify your feelings too but just lets you have them no matter how rational or unrational they are.

    -d
    (www.typicalmomma.com)

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  2. I know you won’t believe me when I tell you that you are right where you need to be. Thats ok.

    You are moving through the stages of grief. this is completely normal.

    Stage 1 Denial (what you both were doing when you were trying to repair the marriage)

    Stage 2 Bargaining (when you both convinced troy to stay at the house and try to make things work out by making changes)

    Stage 3 Anger. You have moved through this stage SOOOO much faster than I ever could have. You have a lot to be proud of for that.

    Stage 4 Despair. I think you are here now love.

    Stage 5 Acceptance. Coming soon, I truly do believe it.

    You are incredibly strong. You should be proud of yourself rather than beating yourself up for showing Coleen emotions. You are giving her a gift. Even if you can’t see it. You are teaching her that it is OK to feel your emotions rather than trample them like most of us do. As you move through this you will be showing her that its ok to feel them and feel them strongly because eventually we all do come out the other side of the emotions. Unfortunatly many people have been through infidelity and have lived to tell about it and loved again and everything else that seems sooo far out of reach right now. I have to believe that if they can do it, you can AND WILL too.

    We are sending many many prayers hon.

    Jen D

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  3. I don’t think even cancer can make you feel this bad. I’ve never seen my best friend in such pain. I, too, think it’s time to feel the pain. Then you will be able to figure out what Rosie the Incredible is going to do. I will be here to help you. I love you Rosie.

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  4. “I left myself open to be completely destroyed.”

    And he did.

    &*%$^$^$**&(^** -er.

    My word choices are beyond what I used to use for mum2abi’s ex. I’ve been perfecting this moniker just for you. Give us the go ahead and as a group we’ll fine tune it.

    Sorry Rosie. You and Colleen deserve better. On your own. You can do this. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But you can do this.

    Every swear word in my vast repetoire is on the tip of my tongue. Let me know if you need me to lend you some.

    I love you Rosie.
    -Wen

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  5. Rosie, you don’t have to post this. Tears were landing on my keyboard as I read this. Not just because the situation is so sad and fucked up. But I saw words that I spoke, wrote and thought last year. It took me 10 years to realize exactly who I was married to. Even after I did, I still found myself wanting him back. It still sucks. As I told Troy, I am not a life-long old friend. I enjoyed the short time I worked with him and the few times I saw and talked to you. I am here if there is anything I can do to help. I didn’t respond because I couldn’t offer you the version of a happy ending you were wanting. I am on my way to a happy ending, but it is without my ex. He is getting married again in October. He lasted 2 weeks without someone. I still hurt and I still find myself wanting to hate and I still feel uncontrollable anger sometimes. But I get through it. I won’t say anything stupid about how everything happens for a reason, or you’ll be better off. You aren’t ready for it. But if you need an unbiased ear to listen or want to man-bash, call me. I am sorry all of you are going through this right now. But it won’t last forever. I promise.

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  6. Just want you to know that you’re in our thoughts every day. You are cared for. If there’s anything we can do, we’re here for you.

    Andy & Heather Burnette

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  7. I’ve been thinking about you all day!

    You don’t need to publish this, but having people tell you he’s an ass might not help.

    You already know that part… and it is important to know, it is quite okay to still love him, miss him, and be afraid to live without him…. its all normal. its all okay.

    The only person/people that can decide what you need is you and Troy. He only has part of the control in this situation. Sometimes, it feels like he has it all because he’s the one with the hand to hurt you. The truth is, you can control how you handle that hurt. So, that ultimately gives you the control over yourself.

    The pain will let up, and in a while, it won’t seem so intense… and then, in a little while later, it will seem even less…. that doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel like someone just crushed your entire foundation of your future. And that hurts, phsycially as well as emotionally.

    I know! I’ve been there! I know!
    -d

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  8. I can’t tell you what this blog entry did to me. I have been on the road to a divorce for almost six months officially. You said so many things I said. “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy”. It is absolutely the most hollowing feeling I have ever experienced….WORSE than any death I’ve ever dealt with – not to minimize the death of loved ones…but it’s entirely true. It brought tears to my eyes reading your words and remembering those dark days and sleepless nights filled with anxiety, fear, and utter sadness. I never had children with my husband – sometimes I’m grateful for that and other times I wish I had just so I didn’t feel so alone all the time. I have faith in your journey towards happiness, we’ll get there…there’s no other choice really.

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