Ok. I’m feeling better today.
No good reason for it, except I got a bunch of negative thoughts out of my head.
I know everything is NOT ok and it will be a long time before it is, no matter what path the future takes. However, I am ok. I am a smart, clear-headed, awesome person and I can handle what life throws at me.
Here is the mantra one of my therapists made me put on a piece of paper to repeat to myself as often as possible. A copy of it is above me on my desk:
- I am doing the right things.
- I have done a lot of hard work and continue to do hard work. It is paying off. I am making good and positive changes.
- I am a good mom.
- I trust myself. I am trustworthy.
- This is hard and different, but I can handle it.
I do believe all of that. I have to keep telling myself, but in lucid moments like this, I do believe it.
I want to let everyone know I appreciate the words of support. I am not approving all of the posts that have come through. Please don’t be offended. But I have no desire to trash my husband and I don’t want to encourage others to do that. I don’t want to hurt him. Call me crazy, deluded, controlled or whatever, but I can not give up on a 14-year relationship quite so fast. I know who I am and what I want in life. If we can figure this out someday, I think we might still have a future together and so does he. Our problems are not going to be solved in a few days or few weeks – I suspect it will be more like 6 months to a year or even longer before we can come back together as a couple, as a family (if then). Regardless if we do or don’t reconcile, he is Colleen’s dad and I would want us to have a respectful relationship for her sake.
I regret publishing my thoughts over the last few days. I was trying very hard to speak about myself. However, it has become clear to me that I can not talk about my feelings on this issue without making my husband look like a turd. If you were to hear his side of things, I’m sure I wouldn’t come out sounding so hot either. But I have an audience for my venting and he does not. That is unfair in many ways and I never intended to engage in online mudslinging. I have no intention of trying to hurt him or cause further harm to our relationship through my posts here.
So, to that end, I really probably will not be talking about this much more. There is a lot going on, but I can’t share that information. I agonized for almost three months about sharing these issues because I did not want to appear as a martyr or to make my husband feel worse than he does. I offered the original update about the separation because he approved it and people were wondering.
In the future, I might post that I’m doing well or not so well. Don’t take that to mean anything in particular has happened. This is going to be a long, hard journey no matter how it works out, so there will be good days and bad even if nothing has actually changed.
I do believe I’m going to be OK and my daughter is going to be OK. We are a couple of strong women.
Thanks again for all of your support.