I’m good. Really!
I saw my therapist Wednesday and she said I’m doing really well. I told her about my weekend with some wild women and she said I need to spend more time with them! I told E & J this and they said, “I could have told you that without the therapy!”
I did have a fun weekend. I hung out all weekend with E & J’s friends. They both live “in town,” so it was cool to have people coming and going all weekend. It made me want to move to a house where there are sidewalks connected to other people!
We had a lot of fun. There was a party Saturday night and somehow I managed to get a bottomless wine glass. I’m more of a “two glasses a MONTH” kind of girl, but my glass just seemed to magically always stay full. Those darn party girls.
I met a lot of really cool people and remembered how much fun it is to just relax. Colleen spent the weekend with grandparents. She always knows how to relax there!
I’ve been having a really good couple of weeks. I’ve been spending time with friends here and working on making some new friends, too. I’m working on a committee again that I had to bail out of two years ago and I’m glad to be doing it.
Last night, I had dinner (with E & J again!) and we laughed so much we made a big scene in the restaurant. We kept apologizing to the waitress, who said it was great and she didn’t mind. We had so much fun, I kept laughing on the drive home about the stories we told each other and thought of a few new stories to share with them the next time we get together. (Hey, Lisa: a bunch of the stories were about us. We have such a great repertoire of stupid stuff we’ve done. We should write a collection of short stories about our lives together!)
I’m so glad to have such an extensive network of people who love and care about me. I’m extremely fortunate in that regard. But why do I have that? I think because several years ago, when I was battling postpartum depression, I forced myself to open up to people, to allow people into my life without many restrictions. In doing that, I found a lot of really great people (and rediscovered others) who were willing to give me love and support. I just hope I do a good job and return that support.
I’m really starting to envision a lot of different ways my life could go and I’m seeing they all have their benefits. I think I can make a good life for myself no matter what. Even most of the “worst case scenarios” I work up in my head don’t seem that bad. It all works out eventually, right? I think so.
Mostly, I’m trying to focus on the present moment and enjoy it for what it is. I’m so much better at this right now than I ever have been. I’m a planner. A big thinker. A “let’s see the forest AND the trees” person. I’ve come to realize, though, that when it comes to my life, a lot of planning just isn’t helpful. Sure, you need to make sure the bills are paid and maybe head your life in some sort of general direction, but having it all in writing or envisioning exactly what you MUST have in five years, while thinking through all the potential pitfalls of that plan, is actually a big fat waste of time.
Have you ever bought a lottery ticket with an extreme hope of winning? You were at some place in your life where winning would have just solved all of your problems (at least you thought)? So then, when you didn’t win, you were sincerely disappointed. Sorrowful. Without a plan or hope. Maybe you only felt this way for a moment or maybe it ruined your day, but there was at least some flash of “oh crap, that didn’t work. Now what?”
I’m trying to be more of the mindset of buying that lottery ticket and enjoying the fantasy of what could be. Then, when I check my numbers and they are all wrong, just recycling that ticket (as a bookmark!) and moving on. Maybe I will play the lottery again, maybe I’ll play a lottery in another state, maybe I’ll never bother again. It doesn’t really matter one way or the other and really would not have too much of an impact on my state of mind anyhow.
Enjoy the moment!