You know it’s getting bad when I start reposting my old stuff. 😉
I Googled myself today. I’m always so surprised at what I find. One of the early results was a post from last Thanksgiving. When I read it today, I realized the point of it is still really resonating with me. I just kept reading it going, “Yes. YEAH. Uh-huh. Damn, I’m smart.”
I’ll post the critical piece here:
I am feeling really reckless these days. Ok, not reckless like I want to drive my mini-van in a drag race or get my arm sleeved in tattoos. I mean like I really need to make the most of my time. I need to do things that I want to do – not stuff I just happen to do or that I’m doing to pass time until something I really want to do comes along. Do you know what I mean? I just feel like I’m making some decisions fast and furious. Little things, like, should I buy this shirt? And then I think, “Oh, just buy it so you can get out of this store and do something else that is even better.” I keep drinking mochas even though I know they really aren’t good for me, but they make me so darn happy … if I can purchase happiness in a $4 paper cup, why not? I signed up for a freaking mini-marathon. That has a very reckless feel to me.
I looked up reckless. The meaning has too much of a sense of neglect for what I’m feeling. “Reckless: utterly unconcerned about the consequences of some action; without caution; careless.”
I would not say I’m utterly unconcerned about consequences. However, I’m relatively certain that consequences that may have previously prevented me from doing something are no longer of concern to me. Get it?
I think I found the word I really mean. “Temerarious: presumptuously or recklessly daring.”
Bold. Forward. Brazen. Arrogant. Saucy.
In fact, someone told me today that my outfit was saucy. I just bought it recently in one of my temerarious moments. I didn’t mean for my cleavage to be showing, but it was, and I really didn’t give a flying fart.
That’s what I mean. I just don’t care about the stupid stuff and I really care about having fun.
I mentioned this to a fellow cancer survivor (because, in fact, that’s what I am now) about this and she said, “I think having an experience like cancer really makes a person reevaluate what they want to do with their lives and how they want to do it.”
Yes, I’m with you so far.
And she went on to talk about a support group she attended where “… all of these ladies all went through this period of rearranging their priorities and saying f* it to certain things and changing other things in their lives. It was a constant theme in the group – no matter the age or even the stage of cancer.”
And my friend, who is a 3.5 year survivor, said she has felt this since she was diagnosed.
Good gravy. If this is going to be a lifelong condition, then I feel I need to warn you all. If you think I was goofy before cancer, the after cancer Rosie might be a touch more … well, more Rosie. I’m going to do things I’ve always wondered about, even if they seem a touch unconventional. I’m going to travel more, even if I can’t actually afford it. I’m going to exercise a lot because it gives me more energy and makes me feel more in control. I’m going to try to smile more and to help other people be happy. I’m going to try to live my life and enjoy what I have.