Crazy, sexy cancer
And I’m not just talking about me. 😉
Crazy, Sexy Cancer is a documentary that has been running on the cable network TLC. However, if you haven’t caught it on air, you’ll have to wait for the DVD or come over to my house and watch it on TiVo because I think it has finished airing. (The link here is to the book. The DVD is not yet available.)
The documentary is by actress Kris Carr, who thought she had a hangover, but it was really cancer. (You can see a trailer for the movie on her personal web site.) In fact, it was a rare, incurable form of cancer. Of course, because it wouldn’t be nearly as intriguing if she wasn’t, she is really young, full of life and has an amazing spirit.
So, she did what I would have done if I had been a professional actress, picked up a camera and started documenting her cancer journey.
About every other person I run into these days asks me if I have seen the documentary. I did … but in very short increments. I cried about 158 times during the two hour show. It’s not really that sad of a show. It’s pretty amazing, actually. But I lived it. Am living it. Will always have to live it. I hate when I’m faced with the fact that other people have to live it, too. I wish I was the only one who had to do this. I wish I had some magical power where I could take it all away and I would be the last person to have cancer. “This ends now,” sort of a thing.
The littlest things would make me cry during the show. Riding in the car with her parents, she could tell they were trying to be upbeat for her. I fell apart. Had to stop the movie and come back the next day. That was all of 10 minutes into it. 🙂 I think probably the worst thing in the world is to watch your parents have to suffer BECAUSE of you. Also, my parents, just as hers did, were so very cool and collected through the whole experience of my breast cancer treatment. They were positive. They knew I’d be ok. Never spoke to me about scary things – like planning a will or getting my affairs in order. They just helped me keep on trucking through.
Both of my parents told me a few times they wished they could do it for me. They wished they could take the cancer away and have it themselves, if that would help me. I know they were saying they loved me and didn’t like seeing me in pain or fear. But when they each said that, I just died inside. I can’t imagine watching them go through the horror of all of that. I could never imagine giving away that cancer experience – except maybe to a rock. I would not wish it on any living being. If it were to prevent someone else from doing it, then I’ll keep it.
Kris is also a bit of a fruitcake – in the best possible sense of that word. 🙂 She went deep into holistic treatment of her cancer, while never avoiding medical treatment either. She developed a “let’s throw everything at it” attitude – whether that was toxic medicines or green grass shakes. (Her blog is very worth a read.) I could identify. I’m still reading a lot about nutrition and environmental causes of cancer. I can’t be an extremist, but I certainly have a damn good diet and lifestyle these days. I’m buying more organic than ever, including my makeup and body care products. I’m taking supplements and paying attention to what they do in my body. I exercise. I’m more relaxed and happy – whether that’s through yoga, meditation or spending time with friends. I try not to let stress get to me – and I’m doing a good job, if I must say so myself. I’m working on my Buddhist “live in the moment” attitude.
I have a very similar personality to Kris (you all know I have an actress in me fighting to get out), so that made the show all the more identifiable to me. Her journey – the part that made it on air – was amazing and it was like watching my own reflection in a mirror. She intertwined her story with the stories of women who inspired her. I was very glad to see the story told, even if it was very hard for me to watch. It took a few days, but I got through it!
The speed at which her life has changed – having been diagnosed in 2003, while living as a no-name actress, making money, but not getting famous doing it. In just a few years, she found made this documentary, wrote a book, found love, got married and is living with cancer the whole time. And those are just the things I know – I’m sure she probably did all the normal stuff, too, like got a dog, moved, got new jobs, painted a room, read some books, etc. She’s living a big life.
So am I.