Basket case

Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything
All at once
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it
~ Green Day, Basket case

So, after feeling very upbeat for several weeks, I’m in the dumps today.

I just feel a bit like my life is never going to be normal. Then, I say that and I think, “Well, whose life is normal?” Ok. So, forget normal. How about peaceful? I can’t even seem to achieve that.

A lot of the happiness I’ve been feeling lately is because I’ve just been ignoring the bad stuff. Denial is a coping skill!

I’ve been trying to focus on work because of all the things in my life that seem to need my attention, that’s the most pressing one. Somehow, though, I can’t seem to manage focusing on more than one thing at a time. So, in order to give my all to work, I’ve let my attention to Colleen slack (and got busted for it at a parent-teacher conference recently), I’ve stopped working out (and feeling worse by the day), and I haven’t opened a piece of mail in weeks.

I’ve got bill collectors calling my house every 1/2 hour. I’m not exaggerating. If you have called recently and there was no answer, it might be because I didn’t recognize your number.

This isn’t to say the bills aren’t getting paid. They are. It’s just that we owe so many medical bills we are juggling who gets paid when.

Also, our insurance plan is totally screwed up this year and, of course, it somehow is my responsibility to unscrew it. (Shouldn’t this be THEIR problem since they screwed it up?) Unlike other plans I have had, we have to provide documentation of our spending on our flexible account credit cards. In the past, the credit cards were awesome because you didn’t have to provide documentation – apparently they got what they needed straight from the company. But, no, that’s not the way it’s going down this year.

Then, the prescription drug plan is all f*kd to hell this year. They went through some period of time where they didn’t properly cover the drugs through the pharmacies. I’m not sure they have straightened that out, actually. I didn’t know what was going on, so I was using the flex accounts to pay for my, oh, $800 a month in prescriptions. Then, they were mailing us checks to reimburse. NOW, they want documentation for the checks they sent us.

In fact, I have gone three days now without a drug I need because I’m not sure the company is going to cover the $300 charge because I haven’t provided the proper documentation to the proper freaking people.

And when I lay eyes on piles of paper, my brain just freaks out. So, being asked for documentation for anything is killing me.

On the kid front, I looked at a piece of paper in her bookbag earlier this week and realized we were four weeks behind on her math facts. She is supposed to be memorizing all the addition and subtraction facts from 1-12. Mom’s been slacking. I don’t even know if she did any of her other homework this week.

I managed to workout on Monday for the first time in three weeks. I want to be there every day, but because of Colleen’s schedule, me being at the gym steals from my work time. If I steal from my work time, then I have to make it up when Colleen is home. So, she sits in front of the TV eating Cheese-its while I work, so I’m sure I’m causing her to have a weight problem by working when she is home. Working later is not typically an option, since I pretty much fall to pieces at 9:30 p.m., as I have since I had chemo. My body is still recuperating. That’s just all there is to it.

My mom came over to clean house this week and that was a huge relief. But, really, most of the time I don’t give a flying fart about the house. That’s so much the least of my worries!

I just want peace. I’m not sure how to describe what I’m feeling, but when I ignore this stuff and just focus on what needs my attention at the moment, I feel so utterly relieved. Like, “I have a purpose and it is right here in front of me – that’s all I need to worry about.”

I think maybe the ringing phone is what is doing me in. Maybe I should disconnect it and then I can refocus on what is in front of me! lol.

Author: rosie

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3 Comments

  1. hugs to you dear, you have a lot on your plate. I think your idea to focus on one thing at a time is good. Just deal with each issue as it comes, one at a time. Life didn’t get this messy overnight and it won’t get un messy overnight. ((HUGS))

    Jen D

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  2. First of all, I want to give you a big hug. This is all normal.

    First Rule: You can’t be any good to Colleen if you aren’t good to yourself. I went three years not believing this until my depression took such a hold of me and I had to FIGHT back with everything in my power to get out of it.

    Second Rule: Colleen is just going to have to help out a little here. She knows her homework requirements. No matter how young they are… they know them. Set out a nightly plan and sit to it. For me, it was while I cooked dinner, they sat at the table and did homework in the kitchen. One location… multi-tasking.

    Last Rule: Forgive yourself. You are not perfect. You will never be perfect. You will not be able to be everything to everyone. Forgive yourself for this and move on.

    And the bonus feature…. you are going to be okay. Get up and move… life will get back to content some day!
    -d

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  3. I’m playing catch-up on the blog reading here, and I want you to know that you are helping me see that the chaos in my life is normal, too!!! I should be cleaning, we are having guests later, and I really should shower at some point, but Eddie sits watching Barney while I stare at the computer for a little digestion time. Anyway, I’d like you to know that I am really relating to this part of the post right now:

    … really, most of the time I don’t give a flying fart about the house. That’s so much the least of my worries!

    I just want peace. I’m not sure how to describe what I’m feeling, but when I ignore this stuff and just focus on what needs my attention at the moment, I feel so utterly relieved. Like, “I have a purpose and it is right here in front of me – that’s all I need to worry about.”

    The rest can wait. love you!
    val

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