I have commitment issues.

Anyone who has been around me much the past 2 1/2 years can attest to the fact that I am struggling with planning issues.

I rarely return personal phone calls.

Getting me to answer a personal e-mail is a nightmare – or so I’ve been told! Oh, who am I kidding, I have people at work standing in line to kick my butt for not returning work e-mails.

And I have never been good at responding to regular mail or sending those thank-you notes your mother was always hounding me about. (I mean your mother. My mom never wrote thank-you notes, either.)

I regularly miss things I meant to attend – concerts, lectures, parties. God forbid I should respond and let you know I am coming.

Now, all of this to say, I wasn’t a person who was 100 percent on any of these things before cancer came to town. But I think I met most reasonable expectations – I would give myself a pre-cancer planning grade of B.

Since then – oof.

Can you give D-minuses? I don’t think I can stomach an F, even if I know I deserve it.

I suspect lots of people go through this – life as you know it is wiped away. Suddenly, an R.S.V.P. seems, well, pointless. I will either be there or I won’t. Take a guess – you have a 50 percent chance of being right.

It could be cancer or other health disaster, divorce, the birth of a child, the death of a parent, loss of a home or financial ruin – whatever it is, life as you know it is upsidedown. And even if you are happy to join friends for lunch or see that show on Friday, you just can’t force yourself to plan it. For all you know, that “thing” that happened, could happen all over again between now and then. You know that life is uncertain and writing appointments in pen is useless.

What has got me in the tailspin today? What disastrous news is on my mind that has me turning over this issue in my head?

I have to pick a new calendar at work.

I’m suffocating under the possibilities and weightiness of this choice.

Yes, I said “weightiness.”

Do I choose the same as I had this year or find a bigger layout, opening myself to bigger possibilities (and fatter handwriting)? Or do I settle for the same size, but wrong time format? Do I go with a refillable variety or a one-use spiral bound? In a color? Leather?

Having to LOOK through all of these choices is making me so nervous, I feel the need for a drink or Xanax. It’s like the whole world is screaming: plan, plan, PLAN!!!

I so want to just forego the calendar and commit myself to a life of writing everything on Post-it notes.

Author: rosie

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